Day 40: I can see in the Dark! Shrouded in a cloak of Self-Deception.

Fascinating I noticed last night when I was walking around the house, that I was going up the stairs and I was about to turn on the light and then changed my mind and just went up the stairs in the dark. Now at first I didn’t even really pay attention to this, but I realized later in the day that this is something I have allowed myself to exist as for a long time. This is a character which comes up at night, where I shroud myself in darkness purposely, at times when I actually require a light to see what I’m doing clearly. And this kind of forcing of myself to make do in the dark is just to be able to stroke my ego as a concept I have deceived myself into believing that “I’m very effective in the dark, I don’t need a light”.

And when I look in all areas of my life I can see where I have placed this extra value on darkness, and created all kinds of ideas from the word Dark. It’s this idea that I am some kind of vampire that attracts to darkness and wakes up at night, and I can see that i have deceived myself to a massive extent within this defining myself completely according to separation –

-        - I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can work more effectively at night.

-         - I have accepted and allowed myself to define black clothing, black TVs, black cars any product or item which is pitch black and dark in its appearance to be of more value and “cooler” then any other type of colour it could be.

-         - I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that night time is more fun than daytime, that darkness is something more enjoyable and better then the daytime. 

-          - I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I have some special ability to be able to see clearly at night. 

-          - I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a woman that wears all black is automatically more attractive and cooler.

-          - I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word darkness to strength.

-          - I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am safer in darkness, because I can’t be seen, as if I am invisible, like putting on a stealth suit.

-          - I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that darkness can’t be escaped and so neither can the darkness of man, which I see has limited me in my expression as life, a disempowering concept where I purposely prolong and avoid facing certain points, because of believing that the darkness of mankind will win, that I’m too weak to stop the darkness and to within this justify being in a word of darkness.

-          - I have accepted myself to believe I will enjoy everything from, driving a car, to watching a film, to having sex more if it’s at night. 

-          - I have accepted myself to judge people that use lights a lot as weak.

-          - I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy taking the piss out of someone that is scared of the dark.

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It’s pretty extensive, and there may be other things connected to darkness which I must dig deeper to find with more blogging, muscle communication and possibly a mind construct:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a darkness character at night time where I believe that everything I do at night will be more effective because I enjoy night more than day. I have now realized that this is simply an idea that i created in my mind which is not real, so I take self-responsibility to stop this character now.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything I do at night will instantly be more effective without proving this is space time. So I realize that within this I am completely deceiving myself, creating an automated pattern as myself where my experience of myself is completely different from day to night.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within this that I am making a valued judgement based in polarity that night is good and day is bad, that I am good at night and bad in the day, like a fucked up Jekyll and Hyde character in complete separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define black clothing, and any black dark item to be of more value than other things, to be more cool which is not real at all it is just brainwashing I have allowed myself to create in relation to dark items.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my bullshit pre-programmed concepts of dark onto others around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word cool to the word darkness in complete separation of myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because something is dark I must try and attract it to me, that I will have more value through having this dark item.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not value myself as life and to instead look for my value in things outside of myself like dark items where i am completely deluding myself instead of looking at the root of where this want for dark black items is coming from in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to only attract what i define as cool so that i can experience myself as cool as ego and an idea about myself, when really this experience of coolness I’m searching for is not real and in fact the word cool has nothing to do with desire, what is really cool is to not allow myself to be defined and a limited within this character and further, I take responsibility to disconnect the cords so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate darkness with depression, and to within this find depression as something cool, which I see is where i have allowed many points of depression in my life to accumulate instead of taking responsibility for myself through dealing with this depression effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate many points of depression in my life all through connecting the words dark, darkness and black to depression.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take enjoyment out of an experience of depression because of defining depression within darkness, when this enjoyment is not real, it is energy based enjoyment which does not last, and I realize that any point of brainwashing which is not effective in supporting all life equally is not a point of brainwashing I should be accepting and allowing, so I commit myself to stopping now. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am some kind of grim reaper character thorough covering myself in darkness, that I am constantly ready to die, well prepared for death, when I realize that no matter how much darkness I try and cover myself fin that does not make me more ready or accepting of death, only living as a self-directive principle of life in equality and oneness in all moments is the only way I can be effectively prepared for death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define night time as more fun and enjoyable then the daytime, and to within this make a valued judgement based in polarity where i jump back and forth from good to bad completely unaware that this polarity I am allowing is not real because it all ordinated within as me as pre-programmed mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as hope that the day will hurry up and get to the night so that i can enjoy myself more, where I realize am fucking myself existing in separation through stating that my enjoyment is dependent on something outside of myself as night-time, when really I must enjoy myself in all moments of breathe here.

I forgive myself that i have not realized in all moments that whenever i am accepting hope at any time, I am basically saying that my enjoyment and correction of myself is dependent on night-time doing it for me because i have  no responsibility to direct my self-enjoyment, it’s up to the night which is a completely dishonest statement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my experience of myself according to what time of day it is, when I now realize that no matter what time of day it is, I am still here so if my experience of myself is changing at any moment then I know I am being controlled as a point of brainwashing I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify certain behaviours and patterns I exist as at night because of this idea I have created that darkness has more value than daytime.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I have some kind of special powers at night to be able to see clearly without lights like vin diesels Riddick character in the film pitch black, when I have revealed that this is not true many times, for instance when I have walked into a wall before because of accepting this brainwashing as myself lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the words darkness and black to the film character Riddick from pitch black in total separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find the idea of black magic to be more interesting than white magic, in any computer game, film, or any spiritual concept.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to very often route for the “bad guy” in a film because of existing as this darkness character, get emotionally caught in a film.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a woman is automatically more attractive because of wearing black, when in fact I realize that what clothing a person wears should make no difference to who they are and how I see them.

I forgive myself that i have not realized in every here moment of breathe that my experience of myself should not be changing according to what clothing others are wearing, I must be stable as breathe here as myself where no such ideas/constructs /patterns can be formulated.  

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the words darkness and black to strength.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that judgements I have about my skin colour is based within this character.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize in every moment of breathe that judgements I have about my skin colour is charged within and as this character.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that growing up with unresolved judgments about my skin colour resulted in this character developing as myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself because if not wanting to be darker skinned because of not feeling like I fitted into a lot of friends crowds growing up.

I forgive myself that i have not realized that growing up I did not feel comfortable around my friends who were mainly white, and to within this feel more comfortable around darker people, darker items, and night time because they are all darker like me, when I realize that this experience of myself is not real, that i should be completely stable as breathe as myself no matter who or what i am around, so that I can be in any environment but not be affected by the environment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire safety and to believe I am safer when darkness is all around me, when in fact there is no safety that exists for anyone in this capitalistic system of debt and how we humans currently treat each other I am no more safer in darkness or light.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as the centre of attention when I am around white skinned people in the daytime, and to feel more “at home” when I am surrounded by darkness, which is just constructed concepts in my mind that I have created through my acceptance and allowance of them which are not real. I realize that I am not actually the centre of attention in daytime or around white people, and I am not “more at home” around darkness, this is just not physically true at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am invisible in the dark which reveals a desire to want to be invisible, not want to be here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to desire to be invisible so I do not have to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized in all moments that I am still physically here regardless of whether a light is on or off so my responsibility to stand for life must not be affected according to darkness levels around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get energy for my mind just from standing in the dark and reacting to the dark in my mind as a “special force”, I realize in self-honesty there is nothing special at the root of darkness, and breathe is breathe regardless of where I am, so through standing as breathe within being in darkness I am not separating myself experience of darkness according to limitation in my mind as we humans accept.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to supress certain aspects of my brainwashing throughout the day just so I can “let the demons out” at night time, which is unacceptable so I commit myself to not suppress facing and correcting any point of brainwashing at any time, to live in the physical consistently which is where I am consistently self-honest and self-responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i can get away with abuse at night because of memories of the majority of crimes I have committed in the past being committed at night.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a memory in my mind in any given moment, because I realize that within defining myself as memory I am actually defining myself in the past according to limitation, that I am trapping myself within time looping cycles of behaviour. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this darkness character because of believing that the darkness of man cannot be cannot be stopped and to within this purposely justify and prolong facing and correcting certain points of brainwashing in my life that I exist as which is completely unacceptable so I stop now.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to purposely justify not facing and correcting certain points in my life because of believing there is parts of me that cannot change which is a disempowering self-limiting statement which I do not accept.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within justifying any of my brainwashing I am in fact unconsciously charging the darkness of man, that i am in fact accepting a world of darkness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing and correcting all aspects of my brainwashing because of defining myself within and as this enjoyment of darkness character where I can hide in the shadows.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will enjoy driving, watching films and having sex more at night, when I realize that this is simply an idea I have created in my mind which is not actually tangibly manifest at all and so not real, and so unacceptable to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people that are scared of the dark as weak, and to within this define myself as strong in my mind to not realize in every moment that because my mother and other adults told me that darkness is something to fear, something bad, that growing up I basically just changed the values to spite the adults, where I started viewing darkness in all aspects as nothing to fear and something good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as strong in my mind because i enjoy the dark, and I forgive myself that I have until now I have not taken time to investigate where this darkness character is coming from, where did it first emerge, and why is it still existing as me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes wear sunglasses even where there is no sun out all because I have accepted and allowed this darkness character to exist as myself as a robot of consciousness , when really I should only be using sunglasses when there is sun out because that is there practical function. 

  

I forgive myself that I have not realized in every moment that the reason I always stay up late past 3am most nights is because of accepting and allowing myself to exist as this darkness character, where I’m trying to get the “most out of the night” before it gets to morning, trying to avoid the inevitability of the morning coming. And it is within this that I have been feeding into other characters that I have blogged about, and I  am consistently getting less sleep then I require, when really I should be going to bed earlier.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to exist as this darkness a character any further, because i can clearly see that this character is not real and that through participating within it I am dishonest and not living what is best for all, so I commit myself to stop.

I commit myself to investigating all aspects of this character within and as me, because I realize that it is extensive because of my extensive participation as this character throughout my life.

I commit myself to exposing any and all that want to try and validate this darkness character as something supportive, because in self-honesty anyone can reveal to themselves that there is nothing supportive in a dimension of my brainwashing that I have allowed to keep me confined and locked in my mind.

I commit myself to re-defining all words i created a polarity for here, such as dark, darkness and black to a liveable definition of whats best for all.

I realize that who I am at night is the same as who I am night, I realize that i have no special powers at night no matter how much I try and convince myself in my mind that have. I realize that my skin colour should not be coming into the equation of my experience of myself in darkness. I realize that there is no justification for existing as any point of brainwashing. I realize that as this character I am spiteful towards others that fear the dark which doesn’t support me or the person in changing for the better. 

I realize that night time is not good or bad, so to define night time as good is not real at all and so doesn’t exist. I realize that daytime is daytime and night time is night-time and so my experience of myself must not change at any moment regardless of what I’m doing and whose around me. I realize that accepting hope is a self-limiting experience where i do not take effective self-responsibility. I realize there is not escape from the morning no matter how late I stay up. I realize that through consistently staying up too late I am consistently tired and thus consistently not as effective as I could be in supporting all life equally. I realize that I am not the centre of attention no matter what crowd I’m in. I realize that suppression of myself is unacceptable.

When and as I see myself existing as this darkness character, I stop and breathe. I do not allow myself to entertain any thoughts, feelings or emotions; I take note of any movements, of what has triggered me, what I haven’t looked at yet. Then I make sure that I am here focused on the stability of myself within breathing which I repeat until this character is not remaining in anyway. I do not accept myself to hide in the shadows.